What is a safe person?
Why your relationship needs you to consider it...
Do we ever really stop to consider what a safe person is?
What’s actually required of us in order to be safe for others and for ourselves, so that you can experience the depth of connection this human experience has to offer?
There’s been an invitation to bring this conversation to light, as I believe it underpins so much of the confusion and suffering we see within relationships in society today.
To give context: My definition of a safe person is someone that understands how their unhealed wounds and shadow is reflected back to them in relationships. They demonstrate an ability to hold space for the whole person because they do that for themselves and see uncomfortable emotions as a place to get curious, rather than contract or project.
I know we know what feels safe, which is why we usually follow the same patterns when entering into a relationship with someone. But something I don’t see being talked about enough, especially in the self-development space, is how what can feel safe is purely what feels familiar.
And THAT is not always what is best for us. Especially when it comes to growth, healing and desiring to create a different reality (both internally and externally) to what we’re used to.
I always come back to the famous Thomas Jefferson quote:
“If you want to something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done”
And to me, learning how to become a safe person is absolutely fundamental if you’re going to co-create those extraordinary relationships you desire.
I had to be willing to be wrong about everything I thought I knew.
So what I’m really saying is - It starts with you. But you already knew that ;)
Someone asked me very recently how I manage to make friends so easily, no matter where I am in the world (If you’re new here - That’s a lot of places!). Though I think about what I have and feel grateful often, this question was a beautiful invitation to consider the why, the how and reflect on my journey to this point.
Because let me tell you, it wasn’t always like this.
I’m sure like many of you reading this, I didn’t have healthy models of relationships to learn from growing up. I didn’t witness healthy communication, conflict or what it looks like to be a safe person.
My relationship to women was very tainted by the subtle, subconscious belief that women were untrustworthy and mean. I was your “I just get on with guys better!” kinda girl.
My relationship to men was rooted in the belief that I shouldn’t trust them 100%. Ever. To do such a thing is irresponsible, naive and will only lead to pain. The only person I could really rely on was myself.
Yet my relationship to myself was underpinned by a belief that I wasn’t enough and in order to be liked, loved and accepted, I needed to be something else.
So I guess it’s not surprising at all that growing up, I really struggled with relationships. Most of my life I felt weird, different, alone and as a result, I othered myself.
Only I didn’t realise this until well into my 20’s when my marriage almost ended. The “othering” had come to a crescendo and it was bad. We had arrived at a place in our relationship where we were being called to go deeper and I freaked TF out! My “othering” pattern sounded a lot like “I don’t think this is working anymore. We want different things. Maybe I’m not the right person for you!” You gotta give it to me - I had conviction!
Months, days and many (very uncomfortable) conversations later… It distilled down into a few questions:
At what cost am I willing to keep this story?
What HAS it cost me?
What qualities do I want to embody?
What if I get to choose how this is going to go?
Choose I did.
And so began my journey to consciously becoming a safer person. One who likes relationships and isn’t afraid of them,
because that’s the real truth - I was TERRIFIED of them.
Or more to point, I was terrified of vulnerability.
Desperate to be seen and desperate for deep, I-wanna-feel-your-soul connection but equally terrified of what they might actually see.
I wanted to be found but not found out - to put it bluntly - and I see this SO much with the women I speak to and work with. It’s a “thing”. You’re not alone.
And this “thing”, although very real, is not congruent with the kind of connection you’re seeking and further cements just how crucial it is to get clear on your story.
Story = Beliefs.
Allow me to give you an example:
Based on your experiences with women and female friendships, you may have a lot of data to suggest that (like me) they’re dis-ingenuous, unpredictable and boundaryless. You also likely judge women more so because you either judge yourself or have been judged by a Mother who also judged herself (what a fucking paradox!). It is incredibly hard to invite vulnerability in here, when all the evidence is stacked against you. It makes SO much logical sense.
But then, why does your heart still crave it?
When we can begin to explore these judgments, contractions and the story underneath them, there’s a completely new way of relating available to you.
When you become a safer person for yourself, you will naturally become that for others, too.
Live bravely.
Love always,
Michaila xo
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PS:: Exploring, learning and embodying what it means to be a safe person, so that you can offer in relationships the exact same thing you ask for, is the journey I'll be walking you through inside The Relationship Codex: My new 8-week offering that begins in April.
This isn’t just “another relationship program”. It’s THE relationship program, where what you learn will completely change the way you feel about yourself & ensure your relationships have you pinching yourself. Often.
It’s still in Earlybird pricing at only $1111 (payment plans avail) and already there’s some amazing women inside. Hit reply on this email to enquire, or shoot me a DM on IG @iammichailatyson.
I’d love you to join us <3
PPS:: My beloved husband, Ed has agreed to join me for a really special one-off, 90-minute workshop as part of the RC. We will be walking you through exactly how we’ve traversed from almost separating into the deeply loving, fulfilling and connected relationship we have today. This alone is going to be incredibly powerful!